Adoption Interview Project 2013: Akers of Love

I have said before - and I'll say it again - that I have learned SO much about adoption by reading about the experiences of others' through their blogs. Therefore, I am really grateful for the initiative of people like Heather over at ProductionNotReproduction  for coordinating the Adoption Interview Project, which is a wonderful collaboration of bloggers from throughout the adoption constellation. I had fun participating last year, and did again this in 2012.

This year, I have the good fortunate to be paired with Abby of Akers of Love. Among other interesting things, she's the momma of toddler Max and new born Sam. Her boys are REALLY adorable (including her husband, Wes!), and as I wrote to her, I don't understand how she finds time to be such a great mom, keep up with her blog, AND look so cute and perky herself!

Somehow, thankfully, she DID find time to respond to my questions. Below is her interview.


I am impressed by how frequently you post and your initiative in connecting with other bloggers, such as your 10-4 Good Buddy project. I feel like I often lack the time and energy to keep up my blog, yet you are the busy mom of a toddler and a new born and you manage it (while still looking so energetic and cute, I might add!). How do you do it?!

Don't be too impressed...I've already stopped doing 10-4 Good Buddy.  I loved the idea and meeting people, but it was too much...especially with our new, little guy.

I usually blog during naptime, but again, don't be too impressed, because sometimes I choose to blog instead of doing what I really should be doing, cleaning, laundry, preparing dinner, etc.

But the main reason I blog is to jot down things I want to remember about my family...mainly my boys.  So a special event or something funny my two year old says are great motivations for me to sit down and write a post.  I know I need to write another post when my husband or mom say, "You haven't written a post in a while..."


How do you envision your blog evolving in the future?

I'm not sure I'm looking for it to evolve.  I don't want to be motivated by how many followers I have or who is reading my blog...although it has been a huge blessing to meet some lovely ladies through the blog world!  My focus is to record our family stories...sometimes a project or recipe I think is worth sharing...and if other's are blessed by what I write, that's a bonus.

How is living adoption different than you envisioned it when you were dreaming of becoming parents?

Well, the main difference is that when I was dreaming of becoming a mama, I pictured my children to look like my husband and me.  Adoption caused me to  break the mold of what I thought our family would like and I love how my family looks!  I pray that others..especially those who are struggling with infertility...will see our family and see how wonderful a family grown through adoption can be.

Your faith is obviously a guiding force in your life. How do you think it impacted your adoptions? How do you think it impacts your parenting?

It's interesting that you asked this questions because adoption/infertility and parenting have been the two areas of my life that have grown my faith the most and made me realize my enormous need to completely depend on God.

My faith impacts every aspect of my life.  Although I fail miserably at times, my desire is to have God be the driving force in every action, word and decision I make.  I remember saying over and over to my husband during both of our adoptions, "I can't imagine doing any of this without a relationship with Godt."  Regardless of the disappointments {and we have had our fair share}, I always had hope that everything would work out according to His perfect plan for our family.

With parenting, it's a daily battle between allowing my selfishness and flesh to take over and allowing God to lead me with my parenting choices.  Parenting is so hard. When I begin my day in prayer asking God to help me be the mom He wants me to be for Max and Sam, my day goes so much better than going about my day on my own.

You now have two children who you adopted, which means you have connections with two different birth families. How are you navigating the differences in their adoptions, and how do you anticipate doing so as they grow? 

You're right!  Our two adoptions are different.  We had a relationship with Max's birthmom prior to him being born, we were in the delivery room to see him come into this world and have had consistent communication with her.  We have also met Max's birthfather and many other member of his birth family.  With Sam's birthmom, we  met her the day Sam was born, we don't know much about her and may not every know anything about the birthfather.

It can be overwhelming to think about how everything is going to work out in the future.  I pray that we can have healthy, safe relationships with both of our boys' birth families.  We trust God that he will guide us in the way that is best for our family and everyone else involved.

I guess I really didn't answer your question, but I really have no idea what our future holds, but our desire is to have a relationship with both birth families.

I believe that you and your husband are white parents raising children of color. Do you have any advice to share with others considering transracial adoption?

It's not a necessity, but find other families that look like yours.  Maybe you can connect with other families that have done transracial adoptions through your agency.  We are blessed that our very good friends have a transracial family through adoption.

Don't let it scare you.  If that's God plan for you, He will give you the wisdom and grace to deal with any issues that come along.
 
Is there something you think readers should know about you that they wouldn't learn from reading your blog?

I was a kindergarten teacher for 8 years.  I loved it, but my dream job has always been to be a mom.  Being a teacher to a room full of 5 and 6 year olds taught me so much about parenting and I am so thankful that God allowed me to have a part and hopefully make an impact in over 170 kid's lives.

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Thank you, Abby! It was a pleasure "meeting" you. I look forward to following your family's story and wish you all the best!!

OAR#33: Mommas' Boy, or Practicing What I Preach

Heather over at ProductionNotReproduction offers a new prompt for OAR#33. She says, "The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption...It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community." This one is:

What did you learn about open adoption in 2011?

This year I learned that someone else can call my darling boy "son" and he can call her "momma," and I'm okay with that.

I've allude here before that after a long stretch of not hearing from her, we have reconnected with D's birth mother, V. It began with a phone call and then a flurry of loving and honest texts and telephone conversations in late summer. Then when she suggested we come to her small city and spend the day with her, we jumped at the chance. After all, we hadn't seen her since just a few weeks after our son was born.

The visit went really, really well. We all admitted how nervous and excited we were, and there were a few moments of stiff jitters, but soon we began sharing photos - us of D over the months, and V of herself as a child - and talking about our shared hopes and dreams for this boy.

V indicated that she's taken the big step of disclosing her placement with several important people in her life, and indeed, we were honored that she introduced us to her new roommates. Her life continues to be tumultuous, but she expressed again and again how important we all are to her and that - even though it is sometimes difficult - she wants to be a part of D's life and for him to be part of hers.

Before we arrived, V shared concern about how D would respond to her. Would he remember her, or indicate any kind of special connection? Frankly, I was worried too. He was (and still is) a toddler who takes awhile to warm up to people. He clings to me and especially to M, checking new situations and unfamiliar people out. I worried that V had unrealistic expectations about how comfortable he'd be with her after such a long separation.

In fact, he was timid at first, but she wisely held back a bit and he quickly got comfortable. Before long, he was his bubbly self. In fact, perhaps he did intuit their special connection, because he let her hold and carry him much sooner and longer than anyone else he doesn't spend a lot of time with.

The four of us headed off to the county fair. It was fun! We all - especially D - marveled at the colors, and sounds, and the throngs of interesting people. Of course, the kid loved seeing real cows, and chickens, and bunnies. V walked around a tiny ring with the tiny boy on his first tiny pony ride.

As the heat of the day mellowed and the arcade lights began to flicker on, V bought D his first cotton candy. "Here, sweetie, Mommy has a treat for you," she said, as she extended a sticky wad toward his grinning face. He looked at me a little confused, then lunged toward the sweet treat.

I said something to the effect of, "That's right, D. I'm your mommy and V is your mommy!"

Later in the evening, we all met up with V's roommates. "D!" she said, "Where's your momma?" To the obvious delight of V and her friends, D pointed at her.

And you know what? It was weird. To be completely honest, I had to take a deep breath and remind myself that this was testing some of the things I believe most deeply about open adoption. Since then, I've thought about those exchanges and discussed them a bit with others. The fact is, D does have two mothers, two mommies. But this was a new test, and I found that sometimes my heart (and insecurities?) makes it a challenge to practice what I preach. That was something important that I learned about my open adoption in 2011.

Standing there, with the smell of dust and popcorn in the air, and his darling birth mother bouncing him in her arms and beaming with pride, I knew that what he or anyone else calls us doesn't change who we are to him. We each play important but different roles in his life.

My son with his other mommy

After D had waved, we'd embraced tightly, and said our goodbyes, I was the one who prepared his cup of milk on the tailgate, checked carefully that he was secure in his car seat, and softly sang lullabies as his dark lashes fluttered and he drifted to sleep on the long drive home.

First Visit

Dylan with his birth mom, V.

The little man w/his Uncle, Auntie, and cousin

(who is so happy to no longer be the youngest!)

We had not seen Dylan's birthmom, V., since a few days after she was discharged from the hospital and while he was still in the NICU. We had planned for her to come visit us during Thanksgiving weekend, but a few days before, she let us know that they were having car trouble and wouldn't be able to make it. We told her we understood and hoped to reschedule soon. Then we didn't hear from her for a couple of weeks. Privately, we wondered if it was all just too hard for her right now and if it would be awhile before we connected again.

But I emailed her once more, indicating a few specific dates that would work well for us for a visit, and after a bit of delay, she responded enthusiastically!

The weekend before Christmas, we were delighted to have her to our home for several hours. The visit was preceded by a bit of my nervous scurrying to determine and buy some holiday gifts, tidy up the house, prepare a meal, and ensure the boy was bathed and adorable (the latter not being a hard thing!). I was actually really glad she was coming this time of year, as I love the way our house looks all decorated for Christmas. Bright poinsettias lined our entry stairs and the tree sparkled in the window; plus, we got to show off the beautiful stocking Dylan's aunt L. needlepointed for him, a true labor of love.

We were fearful that the visit might be canceled again, but V. called several times - the day before, again as they were leaving their town, and shortly before arriving - to reassure us!

She came along with her new fiance. They also brought their beautiful dog, who they had brought home that week from the SPCA. They joked a bit while she was here that we were adopting a boy, and they were adopting a dog...but it did feel a little odd. I am sure Freud would have a field day with it!

I wondered what it would be like for her to see Dylan for the first time in our home. I know it must have been hard. I suggested to M. that he be holding the little guy when they arrive, rather than me. For some reason, I just suspected it might be easier for her to see him with his daddy.

The dog's arrival - and our cat's presence - probably made those first minutes less awkward. We had to take the dog around the house and make sure he was all set in the back, which M. did with Dylan. Then they all came in the house, and while we were giving them a quick tour, M. asked her if she wanted to hold him. She did.

She held him close and made funny faces and talked about how much he'd changed. She said that his gorgeous long eye-lashes didn't come from her, which surprised me; I remembered her having really pretty eyes and associated this striking feature of the baby's with them. She seemed comfortable with him and with us...

They were very sweet and polite guests, complimenting our simple lunch, indicating how much they liked various things around our home and garden, etc. It's clear that our "approval" means a lot to her. She asked quietly what I thought of her guy, and I told her he seems so nice, and very into her (which is true).

After a leisurely lunch, I suggested we move to our front porch. I brought out our gifts, which they genuinely seemed to appreciate: for her fiance, a hot cocoa set (not too personal, but after all, we hadn't met him yet); for her son turning two this month, a set of Curious George books for his birthday and some sidewalk chalk and an activity book for Xmas); and for V., a soft, green sweater (which V. said she'd wear for their engagement photos), a Barnes & Noble gift card (to feed her appetite for reading), and a little craft kit with a photo frame on one side and stuff to "cement" a child's hand and/or footprints on the other).

The visit was complicated by the fact that we had previously made plans for my older brother and his family to stop by around dinner time on their way from their home about eight hours away to my sis-in-law's family, about 1.25 hours away. I thought that this was good timing, as V. has said many times how much she hopes to know and be involved with our extended family, I wanted them to meet her to help remove some of the "mystery" of our open adoption, and who knew when they'd be in the same area again. But in hindsight, I don't think it was ideal for a first visit.

Just as V. and her fiance finished opening their gifts, up pulled the raucous crew! My niece and two nephews (ages 12, 9, and 7) came racing up the walk. They were SO excited to finally meet their new cousin! It melted my heart, and I wanted to intercept them with huge hugs and lots of nuggies, their enthusiasm meant so much to me.

Introductions were made, and everyone was very friendly. But the focus was off of V.

We all spent more time together, mostly hanging out in the back yard (including cleaning up after the dog, whose poop my littlest nephew promptly stepped in). My relatives couldn't take their eyes and hands off of the little guy; I had to remember to make sure his birth mom had time to hold him. She did take him some more, and fed him a bottle. We made the frame memento, with both his little feet and hands fitting. To it, she added his name with the date and some hearts. She provided some mothering advice about various things and chatted with the children. In fact, at one point M. and I realized that she's actually closer in age to the kid with the poopy shoes than to us!)

Not long thereafter, V. made motions toward leaving. M. told me later that she had confided in him that she knew it would be tough to "leave" her son again. I wish I'd thought of this; I mean, I suspected that the visit itself wouldn't be easy for her, but I didn't really put it together that physically departing would pour salt in her wounds.

They did say their goodbyes to the motley crew, so I purposely put Dylan in his crib, and M. and I headed out with them. After lots of hugs, and good wishes, and promises to keep in touch and vague allusions to seeing each other in February, they pulled away with freshly-printed directions to a famous local attraction that they don't often get a chance to visit.

She left from her fist visit and I felt...relieved. I am so proud of V., that she followed through and really put herself out there. Plus, she saw an authentic slice of our lives...and seemed to appreciate it. Over lunch, she confided that though she is having a harder time with the separation from her son than she anticipated, she has no doubts that we are the right family for him.

I feel like we've passed a major landmark in open adoption: the first visit. Though there were things I wish had been different, I can see how this can work in the future. And I so hope it will, for all of our sakes...