There was a long and painful period in my life when I began to believe, and then slowly accept, that I’d never find a partner. With each disappointing date or new rejection, I felt a bit of my vision for the rest of my life slip further away.
I spent many miserable Saturday evenings trolling the aisles of BlockBuster in search of a movie that was entertaining, but wouldn’t make me feel too lonely watching it on my couch at home in my sweatpants.
So many good friends fell in love and committed themselves to another, I wondered why it wasn’t happening for me. As months and years dragged on, I became more and more filled with self-doubt. Were my standards too high? Was there something wrong with me? Could I be happy and fulfilled if I never met “Mr. Right?”
I worked hard to build a satisfying life lived solo – more education, good work, exciting travel, close connections with friends and family. But I knew there was a hole in my heart that could only be filled by a deep and abiding love with one other. So I also worked hard to put myself out there, to be available and attractive.
When I did connect with those elusive “eligible bachelors,” I struggled to find a balance between not wearing my heart on my sleeve and staying open-hearted enough that if someone had the key, it could be opened. I worried that I was becoming too cynical or that in desperation, I might settle for the wrong relationship.
And then I met M.
There wasn’t a bolt of lightning, and no violins played in the background. But slowly, slowly we fell in love. Our lives became enmeshed. Our dreams for the future became entwined.
I can tell you now, more than eight years after our first date, our partnership is better than I could have imagined. My love for him is deeper and more powerful than I knew to hope for. There are still no violins playing in the background, but he is such a special person, I feel honored every day (even the days that I’m annoyed that the socks are still on the floor) that I get to share my life with him. I don’t know why it took me so long to “find” M., and I know that the delay has had both positive and negative impacts on my life. But now that hole in my heart has been filled to bursting.
When I feel discouraged – as I do more and more lately – about our adoption wait, I think about this: M. was SO worth the wait, and I have faith that our child will be too.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY DEAREST!
4 comments:
what a lovely tribute to your husband. :) fingers crossed that a sweet little one will come to you soon.
You are so absolutely right. Much like you, I waited for my husband forever. I think having to wait so long for each other will help us both be patient during this wait for our child. Your sentiments remind me I should tell my husband how thankful I am for him everyday...
What a sweet post! You and your husband are BOTH lucky to have found each other. I've come to appreciate the long wait for a child, and I bet you will too. You and M are being given time alone together to forge a crucial bond with each other. There will be times, as parents, when either of you is sick and tired of the house, the kid(s), the bills, and each other... when you will be tested beyond your patience, and you will need to drink deeply from the well of your love in order to pull through. And you will, because you will remind yourself of how you feel today, and you will want to feel that way again, and so, you will refocus on what really matters. And it will be worth it.
This is a wonderful post. Sometimes violins get in the way and you can't see the deeper partnership. It sounds like you guys have it. Your baby will find you soon!
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