My Funny Valentine

Dylan and I have started playing a little game. We will look each other in the eye, and one will say to the other, "Know something?" "What?" Then we'll burst out the answer: "I love you!"

May your heart be as full as mine, today and always.

 Happy Valentine's Day!

(Here's my guy last year and on his first Valentine's Day too.)

OAR#33: Mommas' Boy, or Practicing What I Preach

Heather over at ProductionNotReproduction offers a new prompt for OAR#33. She says, "The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption...It's designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community." This one is:

What did you learn about open adoption in 2011?

This year I learned that someone else can call my darling boy "son" and he can call her "momma," and I'm okay with that.

I've allude here before that after a long stretch of not hearing from her, we have reconnected with D's birth mother, V. It began with a phone call and then a flurry of loving and honest texts and telephone conversations in late summer. Then when she suggested we come to her small city and spend the day with her, we jumped at the chance. After all, we hadn't seen her since just a few weeks after our son was born.

The visit went really, really well. We all admitted how nervous and excited we were, and there were a few moments of stiff jitters, but soon we began sharing photos - us of D over the months, and V of herself as a child - and talking about our shared hopes and dreams for this boy.

V indicated that she's taken the big step of disclosing her placement with several important people in her life, and indeed, we were honored that she introduced us to her new roommates. Her life continues to be tumultuous, but she expressed again and again how important we all are to her and that - even though it is sometimes difficult - she wants to be a part of D's life and for him to be part of hers.

Before we arrived, V shared concern about how D would respond to her. Would he remember her, or indicate any kind of special connection? Frankly, I was worried too. He was (and still is) a toddler who takes awhile to warm up to people. He clings to me and especially to M, checking new situations and unfamiliar people out. I worried that V had unrealistic expectations about how comfortable he'd be with her after such a long separation.

In fact, he was timid at first, but she wisely held back a bit and he quickly got comfortable. Before long, he was his bubbly self. In fact, perhaps he did intuit their special connection, because he let her hold and carry him much sooner and longer than anyone else he doesn't spend a lot of time with.

The four of us headed off to the county fair. It was fun! We all - especially D - marveled at the colors, and sounds, and the throngs of interesting people. Of course, the kid loved seeing real cows, and chickens, and bunnies. V walked around a tiny ring with the tiny boy on his first tiny pony ride.

As the heat of the day mellowed and the arcade lights began to flicker on, V bought D his first cotton candy. "Here, sweetie, Mommy has a treat for you," she said, as she extended a sticky wad toward his grinning face. He looked at me a little confused, then lunged toward the sweet treat.

I said something to the effect of, "That's right, D. I'm your mommy and V is your mommy!"

Later in the evening, we all met up with V's roommates. "D!" she said, "Where's your momma?" To the obvious delight of V and her friends, D pointed at her.

And you know what? It was weird. To be completely honest, I had to take a deep breath and remind myself that this was testing some of the things I believe most deeply about open adoption. Since then, I've thought about those exchanges and discussed them a bit with others. The fact is, D does have two mothers, two mommies. But this was a new test, and I found that sometimes my heart (and insecurities?) makes it a challenge to practice what I preach. That was something important that I learned about my open adoption in 2011.

Standing there, with the smell of dust and popcorn in the air, and his darling birth mother bouncing him in her arms and beaming with pride, I knew that what he or anyone else calls us doesn't change who we are to him. We each play important but different roles in his life.

My son with his other mommy

After D had waved, we'd embraced tightly, and said our goodbyes, I was the one who prepared his cup of milk on the tailgate, checked carefully that he was secure in his car seat, and softly sang lullabies as his dark lashes fluttered and he drifted to sleep on the long drive home.

Advent-ure

There is so much else I should write about but, well, 'tis the season to focus on Christmas, so I will.

I remember from childhood - and sometimes still feel - the "magic of Christmas." So I've been thinking a lot about how to create that for my son. Though we aren't religious, we celebrate by spending time with family, consuming (too much!) good food and drink, enjoying the beautiful decorations and festive music, and exchanging gifts. I want to be deliberate about building traditions now that will become meaningful and special to D (and manageable for his parents).*

One we started this year is a "secular Advent calendar." We're calling it the Christmas Cabin. In addition to the little animals behind each door, D's loved discovering small notes, each relating an activity or occasionally a small gift.

Because I believe a big part of Christmas' magic is about giving to others, as he grows older, I plan for the activities to be a bit more altruistic. For example, I envision adding "Sunset hike and trash pick up," "Help at the food pantry," or "Take treats to old folks." But he's still a bit young for those things. (Right now, if a Christmas Cabin note said, "Buy a goat," D would be quite upset that Billy was helping a family in Uganda rather than in the backyard"!)

For now, mostly we've incorporated things we would have done anyway during this busy month. By now he's got a pile of notes, and for the last few nights, after opening a new one, he has rifled through the older ones, asking me to read them, too. It's been a nice way to remember the little things we've already done together over the last several weeks that are making this time of year so special.

Here's a partial list:
- Read (and sniff) "The Sweet  Smells of Christmas"
- Dinner in his tent in the living room
- Watch "Emmet Otter" together
- Rudolf slippers
- Turning the exterior house lights on
- Hot cocoa!
- Stickers on the window
- Bath with green and red bubble (warning: turns the water brown!)
- Go to our town's holiday parade
- Dinner by candlelight
- Ice cream treat with syrup from our orange trees
- Santa and snowman finger puppets
- Getting our Christmas tree
- Celebrate Scandinavian Christmas with Granddad and cousins
- Having a holiday music dance party
- Hanging our stockings on the bookshelf (alas, no fireplace)
- Spark of Love - donate toys and visit the fire station
- Drive through "candy cane lane"
- Placing the star on top of our tree

* When I asked a friend about the Christmas traditions in her family, she asked me, "Does Santa wrap presents?" I thought about it awhile and realized, "No, Santa doesn't need to wrap presents!" Though there is a big urge to overcome, I believe that from here on out, the gifts D will receive under the tree from the jolly ol' elf will save paper and his parents' time.

Here's to the traditions - old and new - in your family that make this season bright.

Happy holidays from our family to yours, and best wishes for peace and joy in the New Year!

Open Adoption Interview Project 2011: Come Meet Lisa at Consumed by Love

Wahoo! It's time to share this year's Open Adoption Interview!! Many kudos and thanks are due to Heather over at ProductionNotReproduction for coordinating this initiative to connect and learn from bloggers involved in adoption from many different perspectives.

This year, I was paired with an adoptive parent who I'd never "met" before, Lisa at Consumed by Love. She and her husband are the dotting parents of Olivia, who just celebrated her fourth birthday and is eagerly anticipating becoming a big sister. They have an open adoption with Olivia's birth mother, Miss Samantha.

As I read through Consumed by Love for the first time, I recognized some significant difference in our lives and some remarkable similarities. Lisa is thoughtful and caring and very dedicated to her family and community. I learned from her experiences and enjoyed getting to know her, and I think you will, too.

Really, I just wish we lived close enough that I could have invited her over for a nice cup of tea and a long chat while our kids played together! The questions I asked Lisa are in bold.

What are a few things you'd like anyone new to your blog to know about you?

I’m an adoptive mom, a Natural Family Planning advocate (and teacher), and an infertile. I believe the path that led us to becoming a family was orchestrated by God and was for our own good. We learned things along the way…important lessons that make us a stronger couple and better parents.

It's clear that your faith is an important part of your life. How has it influenced your family building? Your parenting?

My faith does permeate my whole life, and it is a part of all of our decisions. I always assumed that we’d have a houseful of kids and be one of those families that witnessed to our faith and openness to life by having a large family. But God had other ideas, obviously. So, likely, our family will be much smaller than I had envisioned, but it is a witness to our faith in other ways. We witness to our “openness to life” by being open to the children God sends us, however he chooses to send them. Right now, that means being a multi-racial family anticipating the adoption of another racially-different child. In the future, our openness to life may very well lead us to foster care and/or adoption through the foster care system.

My child is the smartest, strongest and most athletically gifted kid of her age that I’ve ever seen, and that was all genetic. She is naturally gifted…we didn’t give her any of that. We did give her an environment where those gifts could shine through. That very fact makes me ponder the potential of every child and imagine a world where every child can grow up in a home where he or she is safe and loved and can explore and develop his or her unique gifts. These are the kind of thoughts that make me think we may become foster parents someday. My heart hurts for all the kids I’ve seen who have been abandoned, abused or neglected during those years when they most need security, support and stability. Through our faith, we see that infertility has given us the “freedom” to adopt and, perhaps, the freedom to be available to be foster parents. We just have to discern where we are being called.

Our faith also influences our parenting and how we pass on our values to our daughter. Olivia knows that God is in control of the “baby brother or sister” department, and she asks Him regularly to send her one (while trying to be patient in waiting). She also knows her birth story and understands God’s part in bringing us together as a family. We talk to her about kids who don’t have two parents, and kids whose parents can’t afford all the fun things she enjoys. We’ve used these lessons to teach her about generosity and sharing what we have with others. As we do every year before birthday/Christmas time, we recently went through her things to decide, together, what toys she wanted to keep and which ones we’d donate to “kids who don’t have a lot of toys.” I was amazed, this year, at all the things she was willing to give away to other kids. I think these are important lessons to learn early, and our faith and the way we live it helps mold her worldview to include a love for the poor and a desire to be involved in charitable organizations.

What about being a family that is multi-racial and built by adoption has surprised you?

First of all, I’m surprised by how many other families there are like us. I see them everywhere, and I don’t recall having noticed them before we became a multi-racial family.

Second, even though families like ours are more commonplace now, I’m surprised at all the double-takes I get when I’m out with Olivia…particularly when people hear her call me Mommy. She is very light-skinned, but her hair stands out, and I often wonder what kind of things are running through the minds of people when they stare at our obvious differences. To be honest, it isn’t until I notice them staring that I even REMEMBER the differences. We’ve been a family since Olivia came screaming into the world, so I don’t SEE her as different in my mind.

I’ve developed a tendency to look for diversity in her dolls and books, to try to expose her to images of people who share her ethnic heritage. I think allowing her to experience diversity will be more challenging for us as she grows, since we live in a rural and very homogenous area. Olivia knows she’s different, but for now it doesn’t bother her at all. We’ll see how that changes as she grows older.

You are currently waiting to adopt another child. How have your views about adoption changed since you were matched with your daughter's birth mom? Have those views influenced anything about your current plans?

When Olivia’s birth mom was making her adoption plan, we were understandably nervous. I remember thinking that my ideal would be a semi-closed adoption where we’d have her mailing information and would send regular photos and updates and maybe the occasional phone call to keep her informed about Olivia’s life. Visits never even occurred to me. I wanted to keep some contact so Olivia would have that connection when she got older and wanted to know more, but I certainly didn’t want her to be a regular part of our life.

Oh, how that has changed! There are many things about Samantha’s life that we want to shield from Olivia’s knowledge for quite some time. However, we love seeing her regularly and spending time with her. Olivia knows that she grew in “Miss Samantha’s belly” and she sees her as her very special friend. I think that relationship will only help her as she grows and learns more about who she is.

I have an overwhelming appreciation for Samantha and the sacrifices she made to give Olivia the life she wanted her to have. She seems to have an overwhelming appreciation for me and for Joe and truly enjoys her time with us and with Olivia. It just seems natural to us to include her as part of the family as much as we can.

With our second child, we are hoping to have an open adoption from the start. We are not nearly so apprehensive the second time around, and we’ve had the benefit of reading and learning so much more over the course of the last four years. We see the benefit of openness to both the child and the birth mother, and we think that relationship is worthwhile and worth fighting to maintain.

An issue with which many bloggers struggle is determining what details of their lives that involve other people are appropriate to share, and what aren't. As a mom in an open adoption, how do you determine what is your story to tell, and what details to withhold because they are your daughter's, her birth mother's, or someone else's story?

This is a hard question for me because I often struggle with how much to tell. My blog is a place for me to work through my own thoughts and emotions when it comes to some of the frustrations and challenges of this whole parenting and adoption business, so it seems natural just to tell it like it is. However, any time I run into a story that starts telling itself in what I’d term “identifying details,” I try to back off and go vague. While Olivia’s birthmother isn’t what we’d call “computer savvy” (she joked the other day with Olivia that it took her 10 minutes to figure out how to turn on her friend’s laptop), I would never want her to find our site and be embarrassed over what I’d shared about her. At the same time, she’s pretty open with us and with others about ALL of her dirty laundry, so I do feel like I can share a little without overstepping. I think part of that depends on the personality of the birth mother.

The FACT of Olivia’s adoption is another story. There are schools of thought out there that say that her adoption story is hers to tell…and that is true, but it’s also our story of how our family was made. And it’s a GOOD story! There’s no question she was adopted, nor will there ever be a question about it. Anyone who sees her and us will guess as much. So leading with that information makes it seem normal, commonplace and ordinary. Our family was built through adoption, and there is no shame in that. Sometimes, I think the idea of withholding that bit of information seems to put adoptive families into the proverbial closet. And we don’t want to be there. Adoption, even with its issues of loss, was and is ultimately a joyful thing for us, and I think being open about it helps witness to that…not just for us but also for Olivia. It helps HER to know that she’s special and loved and that her story is a good and happy one and she should never be ashamed of it.

The details of her birth mother’s situation at the time, of course, are things that we’ll share with her as she’s old enough to understand. THOSE are hers to share as she chooses. But the fact that she was adopted and she has a birth mommy named Samantha…that’s easy stuff for all of us to share.

Honestly, as she grows older, Olivia may decide that reading through details of her potty training mishaps will be more embarrassing than reading about her adoption.

How do you envision your blog evolving in the future?

Again, it’s hard to say for sure. Right now, the blog seems to be more about life and parenting than about adoption. But when that second child comes along, he or she will come with his or her own adoption story and birthmother issues that will inevitably cause me to examine adoption issues and talk about them more here. Mostly, the blog has always been about what is on my mind, from infertility to adoption to foster care to the best way to get your preschooler to go to bed on time. I don’t imagine that will change much.

Thanks, Lisa! I look forward to following your family' story and wish you all the best.

Attention All Adoption Bloggers!

Yah, I'm talking about you, and you, and you, and of course anyone else who blogs who is interested in adoption.


I've linked to Heather's site many times before, and now I'm doing it again. She has done a wonderful job of building a online (and real life!) community of those interested in adoption. Right now, she's coordinating an Adoption Interview Project. I am planning to participate, and I hope you will too. It promises to be a great way we can all continue to learn from each other.

Note: the deadline to register is Friday, October 28th!

So, So Much

Judging from the frequency of my posts of late, one might guess that not much is going on and I have little to say. Au contraire! Things have been jumping over here, and there is a great deal I'd like to share!!

• D's second birthday festivities.

• All of the amazing new things he's learning and doing...and so many of the cute, sweet things he's already outgrown.


• Our boy's excellent adjustment to daycare.


• The ups and downs of a friend's recent match and placement that has got me thinking a lot about the losses and gains, disappointments and hopes inherent in adoption.


• Some really great posts on other blogs I feel anyone interested in open adoption should read.


• And perhaps most important: our reconnection with V!!

Those are just some of the things I want to write about. Alas, I continue to lack time and focus. So, I'll just throw up a few photos of our big boy enjoying a trip to the "pumpkin patch" with his beloved Grandmom.

I hope to be back soon!

OAR#29: Accidents Happen?

Heather, who is the Hostess with the Most-ess of the Open Adoption Roundtable over at ProductionNotReproduction, prompted:

Our group is growing and a lot of us haven't "met" each other yet. So point us to a favorite post on your blog. It doesn't need to be about adoption. And tell us a little bit about why you picked the one you did.

Of course, it's hard for me to decide which one to select! So I'll just share the one that came to mind when I first read the prompt. It's called Accidents of Birth.

Crafted just a few weeks before we were contacted by the woman who became Dylan's birth mom, it's my "what I did on my summer vacation" post. Part of why I like it is because my own life is now so different than it was when we took that wonderful trip to Vietnam.

For what it's worth, I suspect this post came to mind because I still think about those kids - and children like them around the world - a lot, and also a lot about the issues I touched upon in the post.

Oh! And here's a link to M's photo gallery from the trip! This photo is the one that connects most closely with what I wrote so long ago.