La Dolce Vita

We've just returned from 11 great days of vacation in Italy. I hope to find time to tell you more about it, especially about our good little traveler. Until then, I'll just share one photo and say...Pasta! Formaggio! Vino! Gelato! Mmmmmmmmmm!

Near Barga, Italy
June 2010

Blur(b)

Really?? I haven't written in over a month?! Oy! Well, there has been a lot going on in our lives - mostly good, a little bad - in the last few weeks.

Our biggest and best news is that the date that Dylan's adoption will be finalized has been set! We've got an appointment at the court on Friday morning, July 9th (the date that Dylan will also turn nine months old). Our appearance before the judge will only last a few minutes and then we'll go out for a celebratory brunch with a few family members and friends.

The last couple of weeks has been really busy with work for both of us. M secured a couple of new clients and I was focused on end-of-the-year school activities. We've also had two very nice visits from M's college friends and their families. It was a lot of fun to catch up with them, introduce them to our son, show them our "new" house, and take them on hikes in our hills.



Plus, we went to court three times to submit finalization paperwork (our county lost documents twice), plus four more times attempting to secure the decree necessary to get Dylan's passport and twice to the Federal Building across town to receive said passport. Added to all that, we had a minor traffic accident. We were not at fault and the woman running the light has insurance, the car is still (kind of) drivable, and most important, no one was hurt. (Dylan wasn't with us, thankfully! It was on a rare "date night.") But, it's been more hassle to have to deal with during an already very busy and stressful time.

The other not-so-good news is that my boss has let me know that she needs me to return to work full-time beginning in mid-August. I attempted to negotiate some other options, including job sharing, with no success. So now we need to figure out our childcare options. Fortunately, at this point, M can continue to look after Dylan two days a week and the boy has a wonderful time one day a week with his Grandmom. However, I will really miss my time with him.

Needless to say, with all of this going on, I can't help but feel our son's been a little neglected and that we all could use a vacation...(note cliffhanger)

Pick Up Six

Dylan is half a year old!

We celebrated his demi-birthday, mostly by exclaiming how quickly time has passed. He truly is no longer a newborn baby, and every day he looks and acts more like a little boy.

Earlier this week we had the wonderful opportunity to meet the brand new daughter of M's best buddy. She weighs almost a pound-and-a-half more than Dylan did when he was just born, and yet she looks (and feels!) so tiny. We really couldn't remember our son ever being so small. It made me very nostalgic!

Of course, we took him in for his six month check up and the doctor once again declared him a healthy kid. The little guy was so cute for his exam; he had to wear this tiny little smock and kept chewing on the ties and squiggling all around the table. He was smiley and sweet and howled for only about 20 seconds after receiving his three inoculations before his mom could get his bottle in his mouth and calm him right down.

The stats? At that point, he weighed just over 14 pounds and measured 26.5 inches. He's still really small for his age, but as the doc says, its hard to know whether he will always be small-statured or whether he's still behind based on his early arrival. However, he is "tracking" - following the growth curves consistently - so there is no cause for concern. It is especially reassuring that he seems to be hitting his developmental milestones at a predictable and typical pace.

The pediatrician would like us to return for an exam when Dylan's nine months old, rather than waiting until he's 12 months, which is usual. He just wants to make sure he's continuing to grow apace. (He also said that Kaiser's protocol is to see a baby five times by his or her first birthday, and since he didn't see Dylan until he was two weeks old, we're covered for another visit.)

Dylan is getting ready to MOVE! He's definitely realized he can get from one place to another under his own power, but he's usually more frustrated than satisfied about what he can accomplish. As of this week, he's a scooter, mostly going backward. He's got the yoga pose "cobra" down, stretching his arms and arching his back while he's on his belly. More often than not, when we're holding him while seated, he'll beg to be propped up, and then he'll push off our chest so that he's standing, just holding on to our shoulders. One thing that impresses me is his persistence. He'll keep working to get where he wants to go, or pick up what he's interested in for quite awhile. And then the proud and delighted "look-at-what-I-did!" toothless grin that lights up his face is too cute!

He's making better use of his hands, now able to bring them together and coordinate their motion. And he's discovered how to use "tools," grabbing his bottle and able to move his pacifier ("Binky") in and out of his mouth, bang his wooden keys in the same spot...over, and over, and over, etc. Apparently, he is exploring how the world feels and loves squishing or crinkling things. He'll grab a piece of paper and play with it for quite awhile, or move a soft blanket and rub it against his face. And he's scratching, moving his talons across our skin! Truly, it feels like more than just a grab with nails that need a manicure. I think he's trying to draw blood...and he has!

Our son knows how to get our attention. He's apparently learned that we attend to him when he cries, and the louder he screeches, the more quickly we'll respond. I don't feel manipulated; I think he's learning to communicate. But I do think that his screams are often exaggerated in order to get what he wants - usually some snuggling - sooner rather than later.

He is not yet experiencing the "stranger anxiety" that is common of kids about his age, but he's become more clingy, and more than ever before, he's showing that he likes being held by mom or dad. He goes from laughing to whining and back in seconds.

Bath time is fun! Because all three of us enjoy this time together, we usually clean our boy as a family project. Dylan seems to like being in the water more and more, and doesn't complain at all when he accidentally - or not so accidentally - gets his face doused. At this point we're using a plastic tub over the kitchen sink (though soon we'll move to the bathroom, I think). Usually when Dylan first goes in, he'll sit there with his arms draped over the edge, looking like a cool dude hanging out in the Jacuzzi.


Then its off to bed. I'm delighted to report that he slept almost 12 hours straight for the last two nights! But it's too soon to call it a trend. For the last few weeks, we've been a bit frustrated that he's woken up fussing two or three times. Fortunately, he's just required a quick Binky re-insert rather than a feeding. Still, it gets us up and out of bed, so we're grateful that he may be - keep your fingers crossed! - growing out of that phase.

Perhaps our biggest news is that we're feeding him "food." The doc gave us the go-ahead and we've tried a few things with mixed success since then. Dylan seems to like to sit in his booster chair, and definitely likes grabbing the spoon, the bowl, the bottle, and whatever else might be in the vicinity.

But the new grub? Not so much. His typically pattern seems to be to cry heartily the first time he's offered something, to whimper the second, to accept it the third, and to relish it by the fourth or so time. So, he's digging his rice cereal and bananas now, and can tolerate carrots, but doesn't like sweet potatoes so much and absolutely detests avocados.


We're trying to following the medical recommendation to wait several days to introduce each new food to ensure no allergic reaction, but its a challenge. My sense is that Dylan still prefers his formula. He thinks its the quickest, easiest, best way to fill his hungry tummy. And at this point, I must confess I agree with him!

Dylan's hair appears to have surpassed his eyelashes as the topic of public comment. Our kid definitely gets noticed when we're out and about, and most often now, people talk about his soft dark hair. He was born with a lot, but much of it rubbed off after several months. Now he's got real locks growing in. He still has some funny fuzz on the sides of his head, but its less goofy because there is more around it. Plus, there is a lovely patch of waves right on top. As someone who's always bemoaned her straight hair, I marvel at those curls. They are adorable!

Perhaps it is all that hair that makes Dylan look so grown up to me. I've also learned that M and I have different philosophies about how to dress our son. Dylan's dad prefers to dress his boy in real pants and shirts, like a big boy, while I argue that there will only be a few months in his life when he can really wear baby clothes like cute little onesies with feet that look like frogs.

Dylan is our special boy, and he is a wonder. Sure, it can be exhausting, attempting to anticipate and tend to his every need. However, every day we tell him and each other how much we love him. Our lives have changed so much in the last half-year. It is overwhelming to think what our lives may be like in six months, when he's a full year old!

Most mornings, after we hear his first stirrings over the monitor, one of us will go scoop Dylan out of his crib and bring him into our bed. Then we'll spend some lovely, tender minutes snuggling and snoozing together before the alarm blares or our daytime duties call too loudly to be further ignored. He continues to be his most rosy in the morning, smiley and babbling sweetly, or sucking quietly on his Binky, often while holding a parent's hand or an edge of the duvet. Sometimes I stop and force myself to take mental images. I so want to remember these sites, and sounds, and smells. I know I will always treasure such simple, fleeting moments.

Dam Overflow

After more than six months of pressure building up like water behind a dam, on Saturday night I burst into a river of uncharacteristic tears. Out poured a tumult of joy, relief, and grief. I had been weakened by a not-very-good-in-my-opinion movie and triggered by the sweet fragrance of my snoozing son.

I explained to M., who woke up to my snuffling in bed, that bubbling up was an odd mix of emotion. Looking at Dylan asleep in his crib, his long lashes fluttering with each exhale, his pudgy hand wrapped around his binky, I felt such a sense of relief. Maybe...probably...almost definitely, I will have the privilege of being his mommy for the rest of my life. It feels foreign to accept that this long-held and hard-won dream really has come true. What a relief!

And I was overwhelmed with happiness. I felt (and feel) so, so fortunate. He is such a beautiful little person; happy, and healthy, and full of smiles. I feel lucky not just to at last be a mom, but that HE is my son.

Mixed with those emotions, however, was some self-pity. Now that I love Dylan so much, it makes me sad that I didn't know him from the very beginning. I am sad that his gestation was more a time of concern and worry than a time of joy. I wish I could have grown him and nurtured him for nine months myself. I know this is kind of weird. After all, if I'd been able to conceive and carry this child, he would not be the Dylan we adore so much now. But the other night, I just felt sad that it was someone else who got to experience those special, earliest connections.

What made me weep hardest, though, was thinking about V., his birth mother. How difficult it must have been to give up* this precious boy. Sure, she didn't know what a special kid he would be. But he was her kid, and I know now how special that alone must make him to her. And sure, she had good reasons for placing him. Never-the-less, as my connection with my son strengthens beyond anything I could have anticipated, I can better recognize what an incredibly difficult and selfless decision she made.

Now I know that in some way, V. took a bullet for me. I've said before that there was an empty spot in my heart that only a child could fill. This child has made my love flow over. V. knew, though, that while I would be healed when she placed Dylan with us, her heart now will always have a hole that can never fully scar over.

The dam has burst and the pressure has been released. I understand more fully, though, that my open adoption will always be a deep reservoir of mixed emotions.

* Stay tuned for a post someday about how my views on the term "given up for adoption" have changed...

Bloggers' Dilemma

Well, blogging isn't going exactly as I anticipated. Before I began this endeavor, I thought some about what being a "good" blogger would mean, and I based my judgements mostly on the blogs I enjoyed most. I remember telling M. how important it is to post frequently and regularly, and that I hoped to post about twice a week. Hah!

I know I am not the first writer to observe that there is - at least for me - an inverse relationship between how much there is to write about and the opportunity to do it. Life is busy these days! And I'd like to have time to pause and reflect a bit, let alone craving out a quiet space and actually articulating my thoughts and experiences so that they are publicly digestible.

This weekend I announced to my sweetie that a high priority among all the things to accomplish is posting something pronto. It's been way too long. So he's at home now with our (hopefully) napping boy while I'm catching a few minutes at the local coffee shop, struggling to spew it all out, lickity-split.

In addition to finding time and mental energy, part of my challenging with blogging is that I sense this one is veering toward becoming "just another mommy blog." Not that there's anything wrong with that. (There are a number of mommy blogs I love!) In fact, I think family like the pictures and the developmental notes all about Dylan most. But that's not what I intended. I wanted this to be a place where, in addition to providing updates to loved ones, I could focus on adoption - open adoption in particular. I also hoped it might serve as a catharsis, a place where I could journal about deeper things I don't often get to discuss in my "real" life.

I'll list the topics rattling around in my noggin to both catalog them for future reference and see if there are any reader preferences for where I might start. (Readers?? Are there still any out there??) Some of the things I hope to be able to blog about in the not-too-distant future are:

- Dylan's six month check-up and "monthly" update
- Our lil' traveler: D's first flight and meeting his cousins
- The Russian adoption scandal
- Our steady march toward finalization
- My own take on the work/parenting (im)balance
- Hearing from V. - Yippy!
- On to solid foods: vegetarian parenting in action
- Open Adoption Roundtable

See?! The topics are all over the place. Building a big audience isn't my goal. Never-the-less, a "good" blogger would be much more focused.

Anyway, I've got a post forming in my head now that's pushing to get out first. So I'll go attend to that and stop whining about why I don't post more, and all I could but haven't yet written about. I'll just do it.

Interview Project: Welcome to Henry Street

I wrote recently about how grateful I am for the internet, largely because it's enabled me to connect with other people whose experiences with adoption have been informative and have helped me feel less alone along our journey. One of the very best resources for me has been Heather's blog, Production, Not Reproduction. You may remember that she's the host of the Open Adoption Roundtable, in which I've participated a couple of times.

This week, Heather's coordinated a clever project: interviews between bloggers. When she announced the plans, I jumped in, assuming that it'd be an opportunity to learn more about another blogger.

I was delighted when I was paired with Rachel of Henry Street. She is a bright, articulate thirty-something living in New England with her husband, T. As I shared with her, I was already familiar with her blog. I discovered it early in the summer of 2009 - I think through the Open Adoption Blogroll - just as they were matched with expectant parents. As someone still waiting impatiently for a match, I followed with interest as their plans for placement developed, and my nerves and excitement grew along with hers. She didn't know it, but when she brought her precious son "Henry" home, I breathed a huge sigh of relief on the other edge of the country!

Several months later, it's fun to follow along in her parenting adventures. Little did I know it when I began following Henry Street, but now our sons are just a few months a part.

It is my pleasure to introduce you to Rachel and her life on Henry Street. I hope that after reading her responses to my interview questions, you'll spend some more time investigating her blog. She's been at it for quite awhile, and her story is both heartbreaking and inspiring. (And of course, if you are interested in seeing my responses to her questions, you'll have to head over their too.)

My questions are in bold. Rachel's answers are not.

Have there been things about open adoption that have surprised you?

How has your open adoption been different than you imagined? I feel weird saying this, but our adoption hasn't been particularly surprising or different than I imagined. That does not mean that things are perfect or easy, because they're not. It just means that I expected to be unsure about how to communicate with Henry's birthparents. I expected to be disappointed when I didn't hear back from them. Though I thought I would hear from them a little more than we actually have. I expected to be nervous when I felt like certain limits were being stepped over. So, I guess I'm surprised that I expected it to be so bumpy?I feel like I answered this poorly.

What advice would you give anyone considering open adoption to build their family?

It's different than biological parenthood, but it is worth the effort. At first, it might really difficult to 'share' your child with another set of parents. However, these other parents are who created your child, and you are obligated to maintain some sort of relationship with them so that he can know about where he came from. Do not take it lightly, for it is a big commitment, but it is worth it in the end.

Do you think you approach parenthood differently because you are an adoptive mom and not a bio mom? [Rachel asked me this question. I liked it so much, I asked it back to her. - K]

I definitely think I approach parenthood differently because I'm an adoptive mom. Even 7 months later, I am still amazed this wonderful little boy is my son. I'm sure bio parents feel this way sometimes, but I have other people to thank for this. I think that changes my perspective on things. I also think I'm a little less casual about certain small things -- I've heard bio parents make small jokes about 'giving away' their kids. They can do that because there is a 0% chance that would ever happen and they can be cavalier about it. This is something I could NEVER say because it is on some level it's 100% my son's reality. I don't think my parenting 'style' is affected, but I do think my 'big picture' is very different than most bio parents.

How would you describe your relationship with Henry’s birth parents?

At this point, I'm not sure how to describe this relationship. I feel like it's kind of strained. I want to be able to communicate openly with them, but to be honest, it feels a little awkward. While CC was pregnant, I spoke with her quite often. I felt comfortable talking to her for the most part. When we flew down to Florida to meet Henry we spent 48 hours with them in the hospital. That time was great. Both T and I felt very comfortable with both CC and O. We really felt like we clicked, mostly. I tried to communicate with them reasonably often. I sent them emails and pictures and we heard back from them once. But when I communicated without a pattern, I felt like things were getting too loose and it made me uncomfortable, so that's when I decided that I'd be more clear about when I would be sending them updates. I send them an email every 3 months, plus there is a letter that I send through the adoption lawyer we used. I've heard back from them two or three times. Once was a nice email from CC. Once was a nice email from O. Then I had an IM chat with O. which I found to be very awkward, and after that I've avoided the IM thing with them. I need more structure. But I haven't heard from them since the IM. Many things could be going on in their lives that would cause them to not be able to contact us,but it does make me sad. I wish this could be easier.

How have your struggles to build a family impacted your marriage? And how has becoming parents impacted your relationship with T.?

This question could probably elicit an entire book, but I will try to give the short answer. It's weird, but sometimes I feel these things haven't impacted our marriage much at all. We still have pretty much the same relationship we've always had. We've always been able to talk about our feelings with each other, but infertility has helped us do this even more easily. Similarly, we've always had more 'traditional' roles at home -- I'm the person that has taken care of the home for the most part, and he's the one that brings home the bacon, so to speak. With parenthood upon us, we decided I should stay home to raise our son and this has continued. Sure we butt heads sometimes, and occasionally we get angry or frustrated by the increased stress of parenthood, but it seems to happen so infrequently that it hasn't made that huge of an impact. The fact that Henry is such an easy baby definitely factors in to this. But we were always happy together, and now we are even happier as a family with a baby.

If you are willing to share, what are your thoughts and feelings about adding to your family again?

We are planning on having another child. I was planning to start working on homestudy paperwork after we submit our taxes, but embryo donation is tugging at my heart strings a little. I just can't let goof the idea of being pregnant and giving birth. I'm just not sure our state really does this and I have strong feelings about using a clinic and not an 'embryo adoption' group because though I don't disparage those who use them, I am skeptical of their ulterior motives and I do not want to use them. I also am unsure how openness works with embryo donation and I feel strongly about having some openness with the donors and siblings of a donor couple. So there's a little curiosity there, but I'm not sure what I'm going to do with that.

What impact has blogging had on you?

My blog is like my journal. It has helped me get my feelings out in the open. It's almost like therapy on a page. Just typing out what I am thinking has really been cathartic. Also, finding people in similar situations has really been helpful. Reading other people experiences has helped me learn how to endure the bad times and helped me shape some feelings and opinions about openness.

How do you see your blog evolving in the future?

I don't blog as much as I used to. I still think of it as my journal, and though I thought I was going to take a break from blogging for awhile, but I just need it as a source to express some thoughts and feelings that I can't do elsewhere (except for with my therapist, perhaps.) I also like to show off how beautiful my boy is. :) Also, I like to be in touch with other adoptive parents (or those who became parents in alternative ways after infertility.)

Boast Post

Dylan slept from 8:30 p.m. last night until 6:30 a.m. this morning!

- his proud (and well-rested) mommy